Make Way For Babies

I have not spent much time around “baby culture”. Yes, apparently there is an entire “baby culture” of clothes, books, pictures, blogs, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Despite being an uncle several times over, I managed to maintain a safe distance from this culture and from babies in general. Indeed, I didn’t change my first diaper until my daughter came along.

So my normal life consisted of very few interactions with new parents. While I generally found them annoying, I gave little thought to the matter because my run-ins were rare. However, my new status as father has unceremoniously thrust me into the bowels of my own personal shopping hell.

This past Sunday my wife and I headed off to Babies R Us to pick up a few things for our daughter. She stayed with grandma to expedite the journey. Upon entering the store I was disarmed by what appeared to be a scene out of Mad Max gone parenthood. Heavily equipped parents roaming the store with their assault carts and a glare of warning on every face. As I rolled my cart around the store looking for the correct aisle I could discern in each parent a distinct heir of superiority normally reserved for movie stars and dictators.

I found our first aisle of interest, the carseats. However, I spotted trouble. Another couple had laid claim to the whole aisle. Apparently they had called ahead to have the store shut down while they shopped for their prodigy, but the store had declined to concede. So instead they co-opted the entire aisle. Now, this was a wide aisle that had two separate aisles in which two carts could pass in either aisle. In one aisle they had left their cart – sideways. Several feet down in the other aisle they were standing examining carseats, staggered so that no one could pass in that aisle. I wish I were making this up.

Impatient and angry, I headed over to the diaper section. If I can’t get down an aisle, at least I can head over to the open wall of diapers and mark one item off my list. My frequent trips to the grocery store for diapers has provided a familiarity with diaper statistics that would rival Ken Jennings’ knowledge of just about everything else. However, when I reach the wall I am faced with the Indian Defence. No, not the chess strategy, a family of Indians spread four wide across the diaper wall, shoulder to shoulder so no one can get through. Are you kidding me? What do you even need diapers for, your general attitude of superiority assures me that your baby doesn’t poop!

Oh well, my eagle eye spotted the prices anyhow, and I noted they were a good $10 higher than the grocery store. Back to the carseats. Upon my return I am pleased to find my wife has wiggled her way down one of the carseat aisles. Yes, they are still taking up both aisles. The husband in one aisle and the wife with cart and baby in the other. But my wife is at least within swinging distance of the other woman. I stand at the end of the aisle my arms crossed as I start to review in my mind the recent cases I have read on the temporary insanity defense.

My wife is pretending to look at carseats while eavesdropping as the store clerk gives the other woman the rundown on the safest carseats. From the glare in the other woman’s eyes it is evident that she believes her child is the only one entitled to the safety information on carseats. After the store clerk finishes her rundown, my wife and I quickly process the results of her fine espionage work and settle on the safest carseat. We move quickly to grab a box, not because there are limited numbers, but because I have a sneaking suspicion that the other couple may try to box us in and kill us for identifying what the safest seat was. No way any other baby should be as safe as theirs.

After putting some distance between us and them we are able to slow down a little. A quick review of the store prices reveals the other parents must believe that higher prices translate to superior quality despite the same name brand. We finally settle on a few necessary items and prepare for our escape. Again I am having flashbacks to Mad Max preparing to make a run for it from the marauders. I just hope I don’t end up in Thunderdome.

As I make a break for the checkout line a band of renegade parents instantly takes off after me. Miraculously I make it to a line where the only couple is currently checking out. Phew. However, as we stand there the scanning goes on and on, hundreds of items being stockpiled apparently. Is your child going to be leading the world in a post-apocalyptic future where they will need ten boxes of wipes? Finally, they reach the end. But now starts the coupons. Coupon after coupon after coupon. She must have had a coupon for every single item she purchased. Now a total - $438. Wow.

We get ready to move forward now, except the woman starts reviewing the charges. Apparently she believes she is entitled to an additional $2 off. $2 – out of $438!!!!!! We wait another five minutes before the store manager realizes the natives are restless as 8 couples have lined up behind me. A new register opens and we are finally able to checkout.

As we roll out I feel lucky to have my life. Good thing we’re not crazy. Yes, my daughter is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And yes, there are early indications that she may be the next Marie Currie. But we’re not that bad… are we? Well at least we’re not at the checkout still arguing about $2.

FYI: Courts have in the past recognized a temporary insanity defense of “irresistible impulse,” ie: the perpetrator knows right from wrong but is nonetheless unable to stop himself from committing an act he knows to be wrong. That sounds about right.